Stuck In Your Room

12/24/2024 - 2:22 AM

Winter break has been a pleasant change of pace, relieved from college's workload and away from the people in my life pressuring my daily decisions. I have time to take a deep breath. Following that breath however is the familiar feel of strong anxiety; there is no such thing as "free time" past the age of 20, you are either working on something or you are being judged for not working on something. At least that's how it's felt for a while. Not to mention the thing I would be working on, finding a job for post graduation, is a major source of my depression and pessimism. So I've struggled to really relax so far, despite being off school for multiple days now.

I realized this past semester that if I knew what I knew now at the start of college, I'd have changed my major to nursing. Happily. In fact I have thought about going to get an associates degree in the field if I can get some money quick from CS. I just find no fulfillment from this field. Computer Science is a useless field, helps no one in a practical way, and demands soul-crushing effort. These are the reasons I looked down on business majors. Yeah, you might make a ton of money, but only if you work non-stop during your twenties and shill yourself to every person you lock eyes with. I'm chronically shy. I have been since I was born. I have a hard time making connections with people who I don't trust and I absolutely fear and loathe interactions with people I've never met. If I knew that "networking" was going to be a crucial part in getting a well paying job in my field, I would have reconsidered. I know I am being pessimistic, but this is how I feel and I want to express it. If I am fortunate enough I'll score a solid job within the next year, work it until I mentally can't, and go back to school for nursing.

I also fear that anxiety and depression have become a new normal to me; I was listening to an album that I love in my room and for the first time in a long while just let my worries go and enjoyed the music. I think I had a solid one or two minutes of real, thorough enjoyment of the record, thinking in my head "whatever happens happens". But when the music stopped and I went to go eat dinner, the weight more or less just grew back on my chest and has stayed since. Nothing should have set me off, no new outside stimuli other than me eating dinner, but I was back in a pit.

At some point I want to talk about suicide and self harm, but both of those topics will be long ass posts, so not happening tonight. Until then, Happy Holidays.

12/10/2024 - 3:33 AM

Here's my new addition to the site, after all these years. In all honesty, I wanted to just remake everything, change the colors and the format. The whole vaporwave-pink theme just doesn't fit me anymore. But seeing as I'm in the webring I don't want to make my site too depressing for people just flipping through. And it's a nice time capsule of where I was at a year and a half ago. Things have changed.

And so here we are. This is my newest, and currently only contribution to the internet, and it will comprise of me just airing out my greivances with the world, those aroung me, and most prominantly, myself. This page is to serve no one else but me, I am leaving it open on the internet only to fuel the idea in my mind that my issues are being heard by someone, even though they aren't. I don't know why this detail is what makes saying things online vs offline more theraputic, but it's probably to do with the fact that I don't want to concern those around me irl with my problems, and I could care less if someone on the internet hears about it.

We'll see if I even have the motivation to add to this again. Most likely will end up another half-assed project to rot away somewhere while I myself go off and do the same.